Newcastle interim manager Joe Kinnear’s first official press conference

JK Which one is Simon Bird [Daily Mirror's north-east football writer]?

SB Me.

JK You’re a cunt.

SB Thank you.

JK Which one is Hickman [Niall, football writer for the Express]? You are out of order. Absolutely fucking out of order. If you do it again, I am telling you you can fuck off and go to another ground. I will not come and stand for that fucking crap. No fucking way, lies. Fuck, you’re saying I turned up and they [Newcastle's players] fucked off.

SB No Joe, have you read it, it doesn’t actually say that. Have you read it?

JK I’ve fucking read it, I’ve read it.

SB It doesn’t say that. Have you read it?

JK You are trying to fucking undermine my position already.

SB Have you read it, it doesn’t say that. I knew you knew they were having a day off.

JK Fuck off. Fuck off. It’s your last fucking chance.

SB You read the copy? It doesn’t say that you didn’t know.

JK What about the headline, you think that’s a good headline?

SB I didn’t write the headline, you read the copy.

JK You are negative bastards, the pair of you.

SB So if I get a new job next week would I take the first day off? No I wouldn’t. If I get a new job should I call my boss and tell him I am taking the first day off?

JK It is none of your fucking business. What the fuck are you going to do? You ain’t got the balls to be a fucking manager. Fucking day off. Do I want your opinion. Do I have to listen to you?

SB No, you can listen to who you want.

JK I had a 24-hour meeting with the entire staff.

SB Joe, you are only here six weeks, you could have done that on Sunday, or Saturday night.

JK No, no, no. I didn’t want to do it. I had some other things to do.

SB What? More important things?

JK What are you? My personal secretary? Fuck off.

SB You could have done the meeting Saturday night or Sunday. You could have had them watching videos, you could have organised them.

JK I was meeting the fucking chairman the owner, everyone else. Talking about things.

SB It is a valid point that was made in there. A valid point.

JK I can’t trust any of you.

Niall Hickman Joe, no one could believe that on your first day at your new club, the first-team players were not in. No one could believe it in town. Your first day in the office.

JK My first day was with the coaches. I made the decision that I wanted to get as much information out of them.

NH But why Monday, no one could believe it?

JK I’m not going to tell you anything. I don’t understand where you are coming from. You are delighted that Newcastle are getting beat and are in the state they are? Delighted, are you?

NH Certainly not. No one wants to see them get beaten, why would we?

JK I have done it before. It is going to my fucking lawyers. So are about three others. If they can find something in it that is a court case it is going to court. I am not fucking about. I don’t talk to fucking anybody. It is raking up stories. You are fucking so fucking slimy you are raking up players that I got rid of. Players that I had fallen out with. You are not asking Robbie Earle, because he is sensible. You are not asking Warren Barton? No. Because he is fucking sensible. Anyone who had played for me for 10 years at any level … [but] you will find some cunt that …

Other journalist How long is your contract for Joe?

JK None of your business.

SB Well it is actually, because we cover the club. The club say you are here to the end of October, then you say six to eight games which would take it to the end of November. We are trying to clarify these issues. We are getting no straight answers from anyone. How long are you here for. It is a dead simple question. And you don’t know …

JK I was told the length of contract. Then I was told that possibly the club could be sold in that time. That is as far as I know. That’s it finished. I don’t know anything else. But I have been ridiculed. He’s trying to fucking hide, he’s trying to do this or that.

There follows an exchange regarding the circumstances under which Kinnear had met the owner Mike Ashley and executive director (football) Dennis Wise.

Steve Brenner (football writer for the Sun) We are all grown men and can come in here and sit around and talk about football, but coming in here and calling people cunts?

JK Why? Because I am annoyed. I am not accepting that. If it is libellous, it is going to where I want it to go.

Newcastle press officer What has been said in here is off the record and doesn’t go outside.

Journalist Well, is that what Joe thinks?

JK Write what you like. Makes no difference to me. Don’t affect me I assure you. It’ll be the last time I see you anyway. Won’t affect me. See how we go at Everton and Chrissy [Chris Hughton, assistant manager] can do it, someone else can do it. Don’t trust any of yous. I will pick two local papers and speak to them and the rest can fuck off. I ain’t coming up here to have the piss taken out of me. I have a million pages of crap that has been written about me. I’m ridiculed for no reason. I’m defenceless. I can’t get a point in, I can’t say nothing, I can’t do nothing, but I ain’t going to be negative. Then, half of you, most of you are trying to get into the players. I’m not going to tell you what the players think of you, so then you try and get into them in some way or another, so I’ve got a split camp or something like that, something like that. It’s ongoing. It just doesn’t stop.

Journalist It’s only been a week.

JK Exactly. It feels more like a year.

Journalist It’s early days for you to be like this.

JK No, I’m clearing the air. And this is the last time I’m going to speak to you. You want to know why, I’m telling you. This is the last time. You can do what you like.

Journalist But this isn’t going to do you or us any good.

JK I’ll speak to the supporters. I’m going to tell them what the story is. I’m going to tell them. I don’t think they’ll interpret it any different, I don’t think they’ll mix it up, I don’t think they’ll miss out things. I mean, one of them last week said to me … I was talking about in that press conference where you were there, I said something like “Well, that’s a load of bollocks …”

Journalist “Bollocks to that” is what you said.

JK Bollocks to that. And what goes after that?

Journalist That was it.

JK No it wasn’t, no it wasn’t. What was after it? I don’t know if it was your paper, but what went after it?

Journalist I don’t know.

JK It even had the cheek to say “bollocks to Newcastle”.

Journalist I didn’t write that.

JK That was my first fucking day. What does that tell you? What does that tell you?

Journalist Where was that? Which paper said that?

JK I’ve got it. I can’t remember. It was one of the Sundays, not a Saturday. It was a Sunday.

Journalist But you didn’t say that to the Sundays, you said that to us. That was during the Monday press conference.

JK I’ll bring it in and show it to you. Why would I want to say that?

Journalist Are you saying that someone has reported you saying “bollocks to Newcastle?”

JK Yes. Lovely.

Journalist I don’t know who’s reported that.

JK I’ll tell you what, I’ll bring it in.

Journalist That’s obviously going to damage you. That’s not a good thing. But I don’t think someone’s done that. We have to have some sort of relationship with you.

JK So have I. But I haven’t come in here for you lot to take the piss out of me. And if I’m not flavour of the month for you, it don’t fucking bother me. I’ve got a job to do. And I’m going to do it to the best of my ability. I’m not going to spend any more time listening to any crap or reading any crap. Stick to the truth and the facts. And don’t twist anything.

Journalist You know, you know the game …

JK Of course I know, but I don’t have to like it.

Journalist Today we’ll print the absolute truth, that you think we’re cunts, we can all fuck off and we’re slimy. Is that fair enough?

JK Do it. Fine. Fucking print it. Am I going to worry about it? Put in also that it’ll be the last time I see you. Put that in as well. Good. Do it.

Much, much later after long discussions over whether Kinnear had promised Alan Shearer and Kevin Keegan would be returning to the club

Press officer Let’s get on to football. Let’s have an agreement that everything said so far, if anyone has got their tapes on, it’s wiped off and we’re not discussing it.

Journalist But that’s what Joe has said he thinks of us.

Press officer I’m saying don’t push it. Let’s accept what’s been said and try and move on.

Journalist: Move on to not doing any more press conferences?

PO: No, to doing something now.

Journalist: What, one press conference only?

(Silence)

Journalist: Any knocks?

PO: Come on, let’s go football.

Journalist: What are your plans for training in the next three days? How’s the training going?

JK It’s going very well. No problems at all.

Journalist Enjoyed getting back in the swing of things?

JK Absolutely. I’ve loved every moment of it.

Newcastle are 18/1 to be relegated this morning after Kevin Keegan is or is it not sacked as the first repercussion perhaps of the Abu Dhabi interest in Premier League football. Along with Manchester City, Arsenal and Newcastle were the two other teams on the Arabs short list and possibly behind the scenes this was a lure for Keegan even if it turned into a mirage.

But what is not clear now is the first team squad is too small to compete. The manager’s job looks like a poisoned chalice. Smart money says Dennis Wise will agitate to bring Gus Poyet back up north to reform the successful partnership they had at Leeds. Poyet’s influence at Tottenham has also impressed and he may be itching to be more than Juande Ramos’s interpreter. But it will need some quick thinking or the Magpies risk falling out of the Premier League nest. Next up on Saturday 13th is Hull, mercifully at least it is at home. But Hull are 11/2 which is not bad odds.

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Bet Newcastle

Kevin Keegan will have been well pleased with a point against a depleted Manchester United and be looking forward to the opening game on Tyneside after a disappointing warm up campaign. Bolton though enjoyed thraashing new boys Stoke and are battle hardened from last year’s relegation tussle. A tough call. Draw. Get all the betting here

Bet Newcastle relegation

Damien Duff asks for instructions in Mallorca

The omens do not look good, two defeats in friendlies in Mallorca, Manchester United coming up on the opening day of the season, Keven Keegan’s black and white revolution is looking shaky and the hope of reinforcements coming in over the summer has not so far yielded any confidence-boosting arrivals. It could be a grim fight on the North East and a good bet for the new whipping boys in a relegation dogfight. They are 14/1 to be relegated and 149/1 against winning the leaguwe which sums up Special K’s problems neatly.

Crystal ball time. The first Saturday of the football season is the hardest weekend to call. Last season was last season, everyone is pumped up, some fitter than others, the sun is shining and it is all very unfootballing, unseasonal and so are the odds. There are historically two things to watch out for if we are going make money betting on football matches this season. This weekend because there is no form at all to go on, it is probably the least predictable of any weekend to come. For the last couple of years you could have kept yourself in beer and sandals by doing a double on Chelsea and Manchester United each week A double at £10 would return £17.20, make it a triple with Liverpool would return £29.74 and pop in Arsenal for a quad and your money might harvest £36.28. That may be a bold bet for a first Staturday.

 The other unknown is what kind of season is it going to be in terms of goals scored. Towards the end of last season Aston Villa were popping goals in for fun. Is that the way to go? Portsmouth have invested in a very sharp looking new attack with Jermaine Defoe and Peter Crouch and reportedly Shaun Wright Phillips on his way and he could make a differernce. United reputedly have a £20million bid in for Spurs Dimitri Berbatov possibly, surely, only if Cristiano Ronaldo is off to the Madristas. Otherwise a forward line of Berbatov, Ronaldo, Wayne Rooney and Carlos Tevez could be falling over each other like drunken ballerinas to actually put the ball in the net? Too much artistry, perhaps or maybe the master Scottish plan is to withdraw Rooney into mdifield, though probably not as far as full back. Nor has Felipe Scolari as yet shown his hand although for sure he must conclude that the only area of genuine improvement he might bring to Stamford Bridge would be on the wings…that is if he has not got so many fullbacks flying up and down the touchline he does not need anymore wingers?

It is interesting that Chelsea play Portsmouth on the first day of the season. A Pompey victory is beautiful odds of 8/1 and maybe it could be that Chelsea are well up themselves coping with some fancy Brazilian system while Harry Redknapp’s boys do the basics and steal it. The end of Jose Mourinho’s unbeaten home run might be just the kind of cathartic, purging experience to launch a new era and genuine attack minded football on all fronts. Look what happened to them at Barnsley in the FA Cup last winter. Hardly looked back.

Another curious tie is the mystery of Arsene Wenger’s Arsenal hosting an optimistic West Bromwhich Albion. Is there maybe a draw in this for the Baggies? 9/2 are tempting numbers. 11/1 for a win sounds a little far fetched but any more departures from north London and it could all go boing boing boing.

Aston Villa host Manchester City which says goals if Mark Hughes new striker Jo is as good as reports and City sprung up the league apace in the sunshine last year.

Bolton could destroy Stoke, Hull might surprise Fulham but there is nothing in the astrology that says the Kevin Keegan’s Newcastle can get anything at Manchester United.

Tottenham have a nasty game at Middlesbrough and don’t appear to currently have a forward line or certainly in terms of the rumour mill they have all been sold. Juande Ramos is too shrewd for that to happen, so probably too earkly to bet. Liverpool won’t like a trip to Roy Keane’s Sunderland either and in a reverse sense the West Ham Academy of Footballing Arts won’t get any bursaries out of Steve Bruce’s Wigan who finished very strong last term.  

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